I’ve never felt so motivated in my life.
The change has just been so… sudden. It’s as if something took my life and dropkicked it into the clouds. I don’t know what it is, but it’s done wonders and everything is just so great, even if I can’t explain why.
I’ve been doing work, getting sleep, eating, exercising, and taking care of myself. I can’t say my social life has developed a whole lot, but that’s okay. That’s something I want. I’ve realized that I can (somehow) tackle the huge goals I’ve set for myself. Most people say we should take “baby steps” towards our goals, but I feel like I’ve been doing the moonwalk for the longest period of time and I suddenly turned around and started doing cartwheels in the direction that I need and want to go in.
I’m appreciative of the people that are here to help me. I’m appreciative of my outlets. Tumblr is a wonderful place, and although I haven’t really posted a whole bucketload of rants, seeing I’m not alone makes me so much more confident in myself. Fencing has been treating me well. I’ve been working hard (I hope) and things are going in a good direction. I know what I have to do to get to my goals, and I’ve finally found the motivation to do those things. Music has been making progress and even though I really ought to practice more, it’s still a wonderful thing to do. And it makes me smile. I’m appreciative of my parents, friends, counselors, and strangers. Smiling and saying hello, having meaningful conversations and just knowing that people can and will be there for me has never meant so much to me. I’m just so grateful for everything and everyone.
I’ve finally come to terms with a lot of things. This whole “growing up” experience has its weird-as-tits ups and downs and I’m most certainly nowhere near feeling like an adult nor will I ever feel that way, but I think things are looking up. I understand why events turn out the way they do. I get how my decisions affect those around me. I understand responsibility. People have been telling me about how I’ve matured and it makes me smile knowing that I’m getting closer to being someone who can understand life (although only somewhat, no one can really completely understand life’s meaning, even if Douglas Adams says it’s 42). It’s great being able to let my thoughts rush into the words you’re reading and being able to understand (to some extent, at least, more than before) what they mean and how everything is going to be okay, even if my laptop has 15% batter remaining and I’ve lost its charger with no clue where it could be.
I’ve never been so at-peace with myself. I don’t know how this happened, but I hope it happens to everyone. Smiling is so much fun when you mean it. And, to reference Dan Savage:
It really does get better.